The Friendly Pedant by Mrs. Odie

I never noticed how many food commercials are on television before I was on this diet. Watching my favorite Food Network Shows isn’t as fun anymore. Although, since I’m a vegetarian, there is very little on any of those shows I’d ever eat anyway.

The first two days of the diet, Odie was down five pounds and I was down almost two. We’d both been eating high carb, high fat junk food diets for most of my pregnancy, so the switch to lean protein, low-sugar fruits, vegetables, vegetables, and more vegetables plus low-fat dairy was a shock to our systems.

The diet allows for “unlimited protein” for lunch and dinner, and Odie decided to interpret that as “graze on anything that you could even remotely count as protein from sun-up to sundown.” So on day three, he found himself up two pounds. Odie is a dieting rookie, and this dieting pro can’t help but chuckle at him.

He basically found out from me what the “allowed” foods on the diet are, and then picked up a handful of them every time he was in the kitchen. Then he found all kinds of reasons to go to the kitchen. I strictly adhered to the “three meals and two snacks a day” rules and didn’t add any foods that “seemed like they should be on the list.”

He’s back on track now, and I’ve added some healthy fats to the strict regimen (nuts, nut butters, avocado). I believe in that they’re good for Pringles’ brain since I’m exclusively breastfeeding. I should mention I have my doctor’s okay to do all of this. She says only in extreme circumstances of starvation does milk production go down. My calorie intake would need to drop below 1500 calories a day and it doesn’t.

Some nights it’s awesome to be cooking dinner for a change. Before, when Odie asked me, “What do you want for dinner?” my response might be something like “Are there any tortilla chips left?” Now there’s chopping, boiling, mixing, and steaming. Our food is fresh and colorful. Sour Patch Kids were the only colorful foods in my diet before. I enjoy my one glass of red wine while cooking, or while chatting with Odie if it’s his turn to cook.  I’m not supposed to have wine on this phase of the diet, but I don’t care.  It’s good for me, it’s delicious and I’m not giving it up.

Having to prepare three meals a day is also a huge pain in the ass. All that chopping, steaming and sauteing gets tiresome. It creates many dishes to wash. Last night, Pringles was going through her night fussies when it was time to cook and I needed to find time to get Viva in the bathtub. Every time I tried to stand still, Pringles would start crying again. I had to Moby Wrap her and then traverse the house at a quick, bouncy pace. I just wanted to say, “Screw it! Let’s just microwave some pizza! There are tortilla chips left! Let’s just eat them and to HELL with this damn diet.” Artichokes, Boca Burgers, and spinach salad with chopped vegetables seemed like too much trouble. And I couldn’t do any food prep anyway because I had to do laps around the house.

It’s good to have a diet buddy to keep me honest. I think that if it were just me on my own, I would quit. In just a few minutes, I would have had peanut butter toast in hand as I walked fussy baby. But Odie and I are in this together and we have already put in so much time, effort and money (produce is expensive and it gets consumed quickly) that if we quit now, it would be like we put ourselves through all of that for nothing except to better appreciate the number of food commercials on television.

I remember the first week or two I was dating Odie. We “came out” to his best friend D, whom we both worked with. We went to the Saints’ house along with D’s wife K and their baby Z. Who are these weirdos with only letters for their names? you ask. I’m too sleep deprived to make up pseudonyms. The Saints were out of town, but we were welcome to use their outdoor amenities: a pool and paddle tennis court.

While Odie, shirtless and wet from the pool, played paddle tennis, I admired the contour that appeared from below the waistband of his swim trunks (originating at his pubic bone) and running to his hip crest. This line, which forms a “V” on the lower abdomen is called the “iliac furrow,” or “Adonis’ belt.” Already deep in the early phase of intoxicated infatuation with this beautiful man, I swooned watching his glorious, athletic body.

I would tell him this story to give him some diet motivation, but I know my husband, and it would probably just make him feel bad. I am sure he also has equally lustful and wistful memories of me in my “stiking black cocktail dress” with my flat stomach and sculpted shoulders. I am highly motivated to bring that figure back into both our lives.

Another way I amped up my motivation was visiting some of my favorite clothing stores on-line. When I lose my weight, I will be able to shop for clothes in a different way. Now, I shop for what will hide my weight the best. Future me will be able to buy what I want because most of it will look good on me and I won’t be shopping for camouflage, I’ll be shopping for adornment. I can’t wait until I fit into my “skinny jeans,” just long enough to admire myself in the mirror and then buy a new cuter, more stylish pair.