The Friendly Pedant by Mrs. Odie

This article is the second in my series of query commentary wherein I take the queries that lead readers to my blog and respond to them. I don’t always know the answers, but am happy to project and speculate.

First, I shall address the common query “Is Kelle Hampton’s dad gay,”

Yes. He is out. A few other of my queries are about Poppa Rik’s involvement in the production of the blog.  In the spirit of pictures being worth a thousand words, look at Kelle’s wedding photos and you’ll see one of Rik and Kelle on the dancefloor, faces in appropriate “hard” hip-hop expressions, delighting the wedding guests with “The Kelle and Poppa Show”. You can almost hear the inevitable “Can’t Touch This” or “Shake Your Groove Thing” pounding in the background. I’ll bet they even did that bit where they started off the classic Daddy-Daughter dance to “Butterfly Kisses” or “Unforgettable” interrupted by the record scratch sound effect. There’s a moment of confusion where they pretend they think the DJ screwed up, then moves were busted and hilarity ensued.

Is Kelle Hampton a homewrecker?

I know it seems possible. You see a 42 year-old man marry a 26 year-old and you automatically think “trophy wife.” Men don’t win trophy wives without money and they don’t usually have money without a starter wife supporting them in their careers. Brett Hampton (aka “Brettles”) has teenage sons, so logic dictates there was a wife before Kelle came onto the scene in a pink glitter bubble.

Haters of Kelle Hampton would love to see her as the homewrecking slut, but she isn’t. Not according to my sources. I’m not saying that their union didn’t involve ultimatums and third parties. What do I know? But I can say that Kelle did not “wreck” Brett’s first marriage. Whether or not she’ll wreck his second only time will tell.

Because your own marriage is the only one you have the power to ruin. Commenters speculate that the Hamptons will be in Armstrongville eventually. Maybe after she writes her “How to have a Martha Stewart Life on a Rosa Parks budget” book, she’ll write her 3rd book: “Blooming Alone: finding beauty in mirror selfies as a single mom raising a special needs child.” I hope not.

Our relationships don’t come down with a wrecking ball. They come down brick by brick. That’s the notorious “hard work” of marriage. For me right now, the hard work is finding time for each other between work, children, pets, housework, friends, and exhaustion. Pulling out weeds of resentment that can so easily overwhelm the garden of love. Communication, managing our money, disciplining our children, grabbing each others’ asses. It’s like having three full-time jobs. We can’t be judgmental when other people fail at it, nor should we root for that failure with giant novelty fingers and air horns. And blogs.

How did Kelle meet her husband?

Maybe she put that in the book I didn’t read. Let’s speculate. Where do divorced, middle-aged dads meet single young women? Actually, to be accurate, I don’t know if she was single at the time. Maybe she was seeing at least one other man while she was dating Brett. None of this information is available on the internet that I can find. She was a school teacher for a New York minute. He had school-aged children. Maybe that’s a clue.

“Is there anything you do know?” exasperated readers shriek.

Reading Kelle’s blog doesn’t give much insight into the mister. He likes football. Their daughter Lainey appears to get her “painful shyness” from him. He dresses casually.

Kelle is neither shy nor casually dressed, if you judge by the thousands of photos she posts of herself on the internet. One picture in particular gave me insight into her relationship with Brett. It’s a pre-child photo. Brett is the one holding the camera. He’s got his manly arm curled possessively around Kelle’s throat. She wears a black lace tank top. They are looking seductively in the mirror. She is bleached blonde. He looks younger, relaxed, and passionate.  His face says, “This is my woman. I won her.”

There’s a fifteen year age difference there. Most men want a young woman. The popular porn series is called “Barely Legal” not “Nearly Menopausal.” Men make fools of themselves for pretty young things. I imagine Brett was no different.  To him, Kelle was a major trophy, especially if he had to win her away from another suitor. And he can rest assured she’s still a trophy wife. She’s just like third place.

Many Googlers want to know: Does Brett Hampton work?

I doubt that he has a job outside of the home, but as all you stay-at-home-moms know, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t work. My suspicion is that he is a stay-at-home-dad to his work-at-home wife. He had a pool business (that gets Googled a lot too “Brett Hampton pool services”). He briefly worked for his photographer father. However, the blog shows he accompanied Kelle on a three-week road trip. Maybe he got vacation time from his job, but it seems more likely to me that his job is driving the car.

If you’ve seen Kelle Hampton’s website, you’ve probably wondered how she is able to stage all those pictures of her children which involve hair, make-up and wardrobe, not to mention photo uploading, editing, and publishing followed by captions. The only reason I’m able to write this right now is because Odie took Pringles to the park and Viva is sleeping in*. If she doesn’t have an assistant and a full-time nanny, at the very least, she has a husband. So, to answer the query, does Brett have a job? Yes. He is a husband and a father. Is he employed outside the home? I don’t believe so.

Is Kelle Hampton pregnant?

Not that she has announced, but she will be. We know she’s trying to make another little “little.” She wrote about a miscarriage and admitted she and Brettles had been “trying” since their youngest turned one. I remember there was at least one other miscarriage but I’m too lazy to research if it was pre or post-Lainey.

[Sidebar: Some of you are thinking, “Jeez, lady, obsessed much?” I don’t have a photographic memory, and even if I did, my memory pictures would be nowhere near as gorgeous as Kelle Hampton’s photos. I do, however, remember most of what I read. It’s a skill that helped me tremendously in college and assists me in my career as a teacher and writer. What I read sticks. I have often been told that if I “hate” Kelle Hampton so much, why do I read her blog. I don’t hate her. I have an attraction/repulsion thing with her blog. I am fascinated by its popularity and readers’/viewers’ reactions. For her, I feel nothing more than I would for a character in a novel. She’s Queen Cersei to me. I have always had a person in my life exactly like Kelle Hampton’s persona. Someday I’ll write all about Toxic Best Friend and Toxic Best Friends 2.0 and 3.0.]

If biology allows, I guarantee you there will be another little Hampton to photograph. We shall all be treated to hundreds of pictures of skinny pregnant Kelle and her feet,  pigeon-toed and twee, alongside little pudgy baby toes. Mazel tov.

Given her recent misfortune in that department, however, I doubt you will hear about it before the amnio results. The clue will be if she stops drinking those beloved Bud Lime Lights.

Let’s see. Have I covered all the queries with my rampant speculation? The truth is, I don’t know if Kelle is pregnant, if Brett works outside the home, if Poppa cuts his own hair, if Poppa paid for Kelle’s wedding or Brett’s dad did, if Kelle had another boyfriend when she met Brett, if 60 is still sexy (it isn’t) or any of it. I do know that people wonder about these things and search the internet for answers and somehow those Google queries bring them to me. If Kelle really wants a book that stays on the NYT Best-Seller list, she could write her own answers to the big questions about her perfectly portrayed “small” life.

*For those of you who are Mrs. Odie haters, here’s a real reason to hate me. My three year-old sleeps until at least 8:30 every morning. Often until 9:30. Don’t hate me too much. The baby is up at 5.