I hate punishing the students, especially when they’re the ones I really enjoy. Recently, I caught some kids cheating, and I was sad for a week. I couldn’t let it slide. It was so obvious and badly done, I was actually more depressed about what it said about me as a teacher than about the cheating.
But, then I comfort myself that if they think Jonathan Swift was inspired by Hannibal Lecter and failed to include a TARDIS in that scenario, they have no business in an advanced class.
It makes me sad when kids fail my class. I take no pleasure in F grades. Funny how it’s “I got an A!” but “She GAVE ME an F.”
I have no fucks to give for students who don’t turn in work, don’t participate in class, don’t pass tests they didn’t study for, then beg “what can I do to pass?!” often accompanied by a parent email pleading for “extra credit.” Extra credit? Your kid can’t even handle credit!
What can you do to pass? My reply is dependent on your answer to the following question: Do you have a TARDIS?
Kids don’t hear me when I say on and from day one that there will be no Hail Mary, no miracle free throw on the last day that will save them from a semester of laziness and apathy. Their parents are comparatively deaf. I’ve become so frustrated, that I’ve fantasized about what I could do if I had my integrity surgically removed.
If I had NO integrity at all, I think I could enjoy coming up with a “Price List” for my more affluent parents. A “Fee Schedule,” if you will.
Mrs. Odie’s Exclusive Fee Schedule for Discerning Parents
Course Grade of D with a Citizenship grade of Satisfactory: $1000 per semester (available to students with failing grades, no “teach them a lesson” or “revenge” purchases accepted).
*exclusively available to graduating seniors
“The Basic” Course grade of C with a Citizenship grade of Satisfactory: $300 per semester
“The Basic Plus” Course grade of C with a Citizenship grade of Outstanding: : $375 per semester
“The Good Student” Course grade of B with a Citizenship grade of Satisfactory: $400 per semester
“The Good Student Plus” Course grade of B with Citizenship grade of Outstanding: $475 per semester
“The Ivy Leaguer Package” Course Grade of A, Citizenship of Outstanding, Letter of recommendation written with a thesaurus while sober, and without a template from “How to write a college recommendation letter” article on eHow.com. $1000
A La Carte Menu
Recommendation letter for college/scholarships $100
Well-written recommendation letter for college/scholarships $200
Smiles $50/ea
Wit, sardonic tone/long-suffering eyebrow raises: the free services I provide
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. No. It was just the second thing.
I’m going to tell you a series of fictions, but the result will be truth.
I’m grading the last thousand or so papers from my 2013-2014 students, and then I will be done with my worst school year in memory.
“Please check back on Thursday. I’ve got so much to tell you.”
She said. You see, I think this is one of my weaknesses as a teacher and as a human. I make promises without being sure I can keep them. I need to stop making promises, or learn how to keep them. It’s a struggle.
I start summer school on Monday, but it’s one group of kids and one class. I’ve been planning lessons and enjoying my very short vacation. And let’s be honest, season 2 of Orange is the New Black.
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